I just happened to visit a friend’s blog after a few months, and the entry was about my relationship with khan.
I felt biting chills down my back. Then out of nowhere i started crying with all my might and main.
I've never really experienced how difficult it is reading things about yourself, especially if it’s a negative view on you. It’s more difficult when it is unexpected. Pardon me, It’s been a rough night.

Fact is, Dawyne's right.
I am selfish. And no, i'm not proud of it. It is true that I don’t ever want someone else to be with Khan. I want to be that girl. But yet I’m the one who wanted out of the relationship. On the other hand, I could never bring myself to sever the ties so I don’t hurt him further. I love you Khan, and though objectively I think you should move on, I have not been helping you do it. God knows I try. But maybe Dawyne’s perspective was a wake-up call for me to try harder. I just want to let you know that whilst I’m normally the spiteful, vindictive person. When it comes to you, I would never intentionally want to make use of you, play with your feelings or hurt you. It is clear to me that if it’s anyone who is not blood related to me, who truly has my well-being in mind it would be you. I know your friends are looking out for you, and that's a blessing from God. I thank you for trying to defend my honour from what he says even when we're not together. You're truly a gentlemen. I honestly think i don't deserve it. But thank you. That is probably why friends are so important in supporting people through a breakup. Please don't worry about me. My friends and family will be here for me. i guess it is really not possible for couples to become friends right after their breakup. There must be a time to regroup and gain perspective in their lives. Most importantly, letting time heal any wounds or let those special memories fade a little, so that they lose some of its sting. We just have to hang on to the hope that one day, life will have the zest and be beautiful again.

i look forward to the day that we can truly be friends again. Just like in polytechnic. When i found you then, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world. i sincerely wish you love, happiness but mostly to be touched by the love of God. I will still always be devoted to saving your soul, and in most parts devoted to you. Ours was an epic love story. And i've always been terrified of the sappy lovey dovey crap, ours was the epitome the lovey dovey crap. And i loved you, i love us and i loved our crap. i treasure our memories, but i treasure you more as an individual. Look, i can't promise you that i'll like your future girlfriend nor stand your endless chatter about how perfect she is, but i sure as hell know as a friend i'll try. Forgive me for all the wrongs i've done against you. The times i lashed out at you, pushed you away and yet came back crying back to you. I'm so hopeless at being a lady. yet you always treated me like one. I will always always remember of you fondly. I want to tell you that I love you, hiff and your parents very much. And i will always be here for you all and looking out for you in the future. A loyal family friend.

Let’s just do this okay? Embrace it, don’t reject it anymore. Please tell your parents so that this breakup is legitimized. I have told mine, so that they can remind me about my decision in my times of weakness.
I let you go.


--------
i can't do this anymore.
i'm done with this blogsite.
goodnite and goobye.

pitter patter on my sill

Tonight I couldn’t get to sleep.

Maybe it was all that CSI I was watching the whole day that freaked me a little. Perhaps a tad more than a little. I cancelled my jog with myself coz it was dark. Had thoughts of some creepy maniac lying in wait for an unsuspecting jogger. Or maybe i was just lazy and wanted an excuse. Then again, it's undeniable… I have one of the most active imaginations in the repertoire of people I know. Well, Back on the issue of me not being able to sleep…. I think it might have also been coz of how I slept most of the day away. I should never attempt to do the above again. It makes me too damn awake at night. I'm so awake i could perform surgery even tho i've got no medical training. Well, suffice to say nights are tough. It gets awful lonely sometimes.

It must have been quite chronic coz I actually picked up my handphone and looked through my contact list. I must have scrolled through it like what…3 times? But I still decided against calling anyone. Coz sometimes I guess talk is just mere talk. It's not as if i'm gonna pour my sorrows onto any poor soul who doesnt give a hoot anyways. Plus talking doesn’t do shit to fill the void. Then I realized there was only one person that I would really wanna talk to.

At moment we are at a place where we share mostly silences. Just now when I let myself think of the day he really starts fresh with someone new; I find it hard to breathe. Then I start to command my mind to rationalize. Still couldn’t help crying. Crap, and it had to rain and all tonight, me sitting at home bawling in the middle of the night. It’s just too pathetic a scene. To think I thawed out.

I guess I have a heart after all.

about that phone call.

I’m brash and cutting in my words, and no one has received more crap from me than you. Yet no one is less deserving of it than you.

I guess..I’m sorry.

I could be a damn good friend.
And u know it.


hmm…I hope the offer’s still up.
If you’d still wanna be my friend.

i hate u.

major assay

So I started writing my essay for real at about 11pm on Thursday.
I still hear Sharon's crooning…. “Can one…no problem…with our caliber…no problem…relax, we can do it.” Note that whilst I had a 3500 word essay, Sharon on the other hand had a honkin 4500 word essay. That’s like a thousand more words expected from her. and she was comforting me? Could I be more of a loser? (I’m pondering to myself, no response needed on that).

So we’re doing the same subject. Politics, Ideology and Discourse. I’m in level 2 and Sharon level 3, thus the word count diff. Sharon’s essay was on race and racism…something about whether race is a biological truth or is it a mere social construction. Mine on the other hand was on Technology and its dealings with overhanging ideologies, power and knowledge relations of the new information technological era. Blah blah blah…

Writing this essay was pure agony…both of us were desperately outing block quotes, battling with disjointed arguments and fatigue. We ended up putting both our phones on speaker, to keep each other company; and occasionally screamin at the count of three just to irritate our neighbors. Little things like this can perk one up. Spread the suffering man. I mean if i 'm miserable, everyone else should be too. heh.

At approximately 1pm, my determination failed me, and I lowered myself onto the bed. Convincing Sharon that I was just gonna test Nick’s power napping method. 15 mins of sleep, no more, no less. I jolted awake in horror at the sound of a familiar voice, yes..the voice was an awful pitch…it was high, screechy…hmm, I identify it as screaming. I looked at the clock, it was 3pm. I jumped out of bed, thanking God for Kaishu and her voice that has the ability to wake up the dead.

Word check: still had a thousand more words to go. Sharon had 2 thou. We were royally screwed. More block quotes, after more lame sentences that were mostly made up of conjunctions, more anything la-nobloody time to care now..and then viola! Print baby print. *jump jump

It was 4.50pm, when we finally stepped out of the Lincoln compound. Sharon was carrying 5 library books and me freakin pile of 7 books. But that didn’t deter us, did it? nah...so it was huff puff, run dammit, pant pant all the way to Napier Building. Once we reached the 4th floor, we slapped the essay at the counter, in front of the woman who actually worked her full shift! i could kiss her! time check: 5pm. We actually made it. Muahahaha.

Then we heard a thunderous applause.

Well, at least the flowers will get watered today. gah.

I feel like I’m going on an exciting journey that I’ve been on before
Reminiscent of one of those rides at the amusement park,
that i'd be willing to line up another 2 hours to experience again.
Dips in the ride
Are akin to the tribulations we face in our living
They can be scary as hell
But hey.
Rides wouldn't fun if they didn't have dips.


Later today when i walk the street
I'm gonna stick my nose up high in the air
(like a just dun care)
And just breathe in all the scents of the earth
Yup.
Even the stinky ones.

Just like the dips in a roller coaster ride
I guess one needs to smell the skunk cabbage
In order to fully appreciate the scent of a rose.

Ooh wee.

If you think I’m gonna pity you
Think again
I’m not one who has much compassion
Neither am I capable of showing empathy
I’m simply not wired that way
And at the moment
I feel absolutely no remorse at all
For being aloof.
Yup.
Not even a tad bit.
So the next time
You start jabberin in my direction
Please.
Just stop.
Tell someone who cares
For I have news for you mister
I don’t give a rat’s ass.