Akane's Whirl

2005-06-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

I just happened to visit a friend’s blog after a few months, and the entry was about my relationship with khan.
I felt biting chills down my back. Then out of nowhere i started crying with all my might and main.
I've never really experienced how difficult it is reading things about yourself, especially if it’s a negative view on you. It’s more difficult when it is unexpected. Pardon me, It’s been a rough night.

Fact is, Dawyne's right.
I am selfish. And no, i'm not proud of it. It is true that I don’t ever want someone else to be with Khan. I want to be that girl. But yet I’m the one who wanted out of the relationship. On the other hand, I could never bring myself to sever the ties so I don’t hurt him further. I love you Khan, and though objectively I think you should move on, I have not been helping you do it. God knows I try. But maybe Dawyne’s perspective was a wake-up call for me to try harder. I just want to let you know that whilst I’m normally the spiteful, vindictive person. When it comes to you, I would never intentionally want to make use of you, play with your feelings or hurt you. It is clear to me that if it’s anyone who is not blood related to me, who truly has my well-being in mind it would be you. I know your friends are looking out for you, and that's a blessing from God. I thank you for trying to defend my honour from what he says even when we're not together. You're truly a gentlemen. I honestly think i don't deserve it. But thank you. That is probably why friends are so important in supporting people through a breakup. Please don't worry about me. My friends and family will be here for me. i guess it is really not possible for couples to become friends right after their breakup. There must be a time to regroup and gain perspective in their lives. Most importantly, letting time heal any wounds or let those special memories fade a little, so that they lose some of its sting. We just have to hang on to the hope that one day, life will have the zest and be beautiful again.

i look forward to the day that we can truly be friends again. Just like in polytechnic. When i found you then, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world. i sincerely wish you love, happiness but mostly to be touched by the love of God. I will still always be devoted to saving your soul, and in most parts devoted to you. Ours was an epic love story. And i've always been terrified of the sappy lovey dovey crap, ours was the epitome the lovey dovey crap. And i loved you, i love us and i loved our crap. i treasure our memories, but i treasure you more as an individual. Look, i can't promise you that i'll like your future girlfriend nor stand your endless chatter about how perfect she is, but i sure as hell know as a friend i'll try. Forgive me for all the wrongs i've done against you. The times i lashed out at you, pushed you away and yet came back crying back to you. I'm so hopeless at being a lady. yet you always treated me like one. I will always always remember of you fondly. I want to tell you that I love you, hiff and your parents very much. And i will always be here for you all and looking out for you in the future. A loyal family friend.

Let’s just do this okay? Embrace it, don’t reject it anymore. Please tell your parents so that this breakup is legitimized. I have told mine, so that they can remind me about my decision in my times of weakness.
I let you go.

--------
i can't do this anymore.
i'm done with this blogsite.
goodnite and goobye.

pitter patter on my sill

2005-06-19T18:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight I couldn’t get to sleep.

Maybe it was all that CSI I was watching the whole day that freaked me a little. Perhaps a tad more than a little. I cancelled my jog with myself coz it was dark. Had thoughts of some creepy maniac lying in wait for an unsuspecting jogger. Or maybe i was just lazy and wanted an excuse. Then again, it's undeniable… I have one of the most active imaginations in the repertoire of people I know. Well, Back on the issue of me not being able to sleep…. I think it might have also been coz of how I slept most of the day away. I should never attempt to do the above again. It makes me too damn awake at night. I'm so awake i could perform surgery even tho i've got no medical training. Well, suffice to say nights are tough. It gets awful lonely sometimes.

It must have been quite chronic coz I actually picked up my handphone and looked through my contact list. I must have scrolled through it like what…3 times? But I still decided against calling anyone. Coz sometimes I guess talk is just mere talk. It's not as if i'm gonna pour my sorrows onto any poor soul who doesnt give a hoot anyways. Plus talking doesn’t do shit to fill the void. Then I realized there was only one person that I would really wanna talk to.

At moment we are at a place where we share mostly silences. Just now when I let myself think of the day he really starts fresh with someone new; I find it hard to breathe. Then I start to command my mind to rationalize. Still couldn’t help crying. Crap, and it had to rain and all tonight, me sitting at home bawling in the middle of the night. It’s just too pathetic a scene. To think I thawed out.

I guess I have a heart after all.

about that phone call.

2005-06-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

I’m brash and cutting in my words, and no one has received more crap from me than you. Yet no one is less deserving of it than you.

I guess..I’m sorry.

I could be a damn good friend.
And u know it.

hmm…I hope the offer’s still up.
If you’d still wanna be my friend.

2005-06-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

i hate u.

major assay

2005-06-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

So I started writing my essay for real at about 11pm on Thursday.
I still hear Sharon's crooning…. “Can one…no problem…with our caliber…no problem…relax, we can do it.” Note that whilst I had a 3500 word essay, Sharon on the other hand had a honkin 4500 word essay. That’s like a thousand more words expected from her. and she was comforting me? Could I be more of a loser? (I’m pondering to myself, no response needed on that).

So we’re doing the same subject. Politics, Ideology and Discourse. I’m in level 2 and Sharon level 3, thus the word count diff. Sharon’s essay was on race and racism…something about whether race is a biological truth or is it a mere social construction. Mine on the other hand was on Technology and its dealings with overhanging ideologies, power and knowledge relations of the new information technological era. Blah blah blah…

Writing this essay was pure agony…both of us were desperately outing block quotes, battling with disjointed arguments and fatigue. We ended up putting both our phones on speaker, to keep each other company; and occasionally screamin at the count of three just to irritate our neighbors. Little things like this can perk one up. Spread the suffering man. I mean if i 'm miserable, everyone else should be too. heh.

At approximately 1pm, my determination failed me, and I lowered myself onto the bed. Convincing Sharon that I was just gonna test Nick’s power napping method. 15 mins of sleep, no more, no less. I jolted awake in horror at the sound of a familiar voice, yes..the voice was an awful pitch…it was high, screechy…hmm, I identify it as screaming. I looked at the clock, it was 3pm. I jumped out of bed, thanking God for Kaishu and her voice that has the ability to wake up the dead.

Word check: still had a thousand more words to go. Sharon had 2 thou. We were royally screwed. More block quotes, after more lame sentences that were mostly made up of conjunctions, more anything la-nobloody time to care now..and then viola! Print baby print. *jump jump

It was 4.50pm, when we finally stepped out of the Lincoln compound. Sharon was carrying 5 library books and me freakin pile of 7 books. But that didn’t deter us, did it? nah...so it was huff puff, run dammit, pant pant all the way to Napier Building. Once we reached the 4th floor, we slapped the essay at the counter, in front of the woman who actually worked her full shift! i could kiss her! time check: 5pm. We actually made it. Muahahaha.

Then we heard a thunderous applause.

Well, at least the flowers will get watered today. gah.

2005-06-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

I feel like I’m going on an exciting journey that I’ve been on before
Reminiscent of one of those rides at the amusement park,
that i'd be willing to line up another 2 hours to experience again.
Dips in the ride
Are akin to the tribulations we face in our living
They can be scary as hell
But hey.
Rides wouldn't fun if they didn't have dips.

Later today when i walk the street
I'm gonna stick my nose up high in the air
(like a just dun care)
And just breathe in all the scents of the earth
Yup.
Even the stinky ones.

Just like the dips in a roller coaster ride
I guess one needs to smell the skunk cabbage
In order to fully appreciate the scent of a rose.

Ooh wee.

2005-06-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

If you think I’m gonna pity you
Think again
I’m not one who has much compassion
Neither am I capable of showing empathy
I’m simply not wired that way
And at the moment
I feel absolutely no remorse at all
For being aloof.
Yup.
Not even a tad bit.
So the next time
You start jabberin in my direction
Please.
Just stop.
Tell someone who cares
For I have news for you mister
I don’t give a rat’s ass.

stuck on you.

2005-05-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

I kept thinking about you.
Not because i wanted to
But my mind had...well, a mind of its own

I mean
You know me
I get uncomfortable with all this eeky love stuff
I wanna be tough
I'm like to be in control
Especially with my own emotions

But you're wrecking it for me.

I resent that i'm missing you

I resent the secret smile that escapes
When i think of you
I resent that, once again i find myself
Struggling with just being with me
I resent the cold that enters my heart
when i remember there's no us

Someone tell me how to get over you.
When in truth i have no intention to.

2005-05-27T04:25:00.000-07:00

It’s a Friday and I’m condemned to bear a night of utter boredom.
If I could describe boredom,
it would be; an invisible human-flesh eating organism, gnawing at your bones.
In normal terms, it just makes one feel restless and very irritable indeed.
If only I had the teleportation ability.
That would be useful.
Just whipping out a teleport scroll then bam!
I’m back at Bartly rd.
I could visit my friends back home fer the weekend…
They could also help me do my essays.
Since they are fabulous writers, I don’t think it’ll take them long.
Like what my mom always says about chores:
“More hands make light work.”
So I guess with regards to essays its
“Two or more heads are better than one.”

Most likely.

pardon my snot

2005-05-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

Well, my body has chosen yet again to rebel against me.
I'm down like a drunken man who sits on the bin then falls to the floor.
I’m running a temperature, have a throat that feels like sandpaper
and my head feels like someones constantly pounding on it with a sledge hammer.
might i add though..
that despite my feeble state I have yet to lose the ability to exaggerate.

Oh brother, it’s really not a good time to be ill.
I mean, it’s never a good time but now is a time worse than most.
I’ve got 3 major essays due on the 1st,3rd and 10th.
I need all vitality that I can call up.
But noooo…I had to go and nicely fall sick.
Arrrgh..

The only good thing that has emerged from this tragedy is that I’m drinking more fluids.
Yup, it’s a Big thang fer me.
Proves a point.
There’s always a positive in every negative.

~sniffle~

im so...juvenile

2005-05-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

I think I’m going through a second phase of puberty.
It’s not like I’m growing any taller. And no. my boobs aren’t growing any bigger. sigh.
But hey, remember the time when you hit puberty and began having crushes on actors and stuff? Well yeah. Happening to me now.

I’m having this immense liking for the character played by Will Smith from Hitch. I swear, after I watched the movie; I couldn’t stop picturing his smile. plus those adorable dimples. Makes me wonder whether I really, really do have a thing for black people. It’s like his whole demeanor and personality is so attractive. It’s his impish charm, that’s so …oh I don’t noe….darn cute.

I can’t believe I’m crushed out on a fictional character off television.
Talk about being in a one-sided thing.
Sheesh.
O’well, ‘least we won’t be getting on each other’s nerves as much.
But man, I’ve come to realize how hard it is to like someone and not be liked in return.
It royally sucks.

But since he is fiction, he has his limitations.
I guess I could forgive him for not returning my like.

2005-05-21T03:40:00.000-07:00

Dreams
Induced fancy
Notions that are beyond reach
Vivid
Beautiful pictures fused within
The mind
That when you call up the thought
Your heart soars
With hope
The flesh
Fears it
For it can never keep up
For my heart races ahead
Leaving my broken body behind
To yield
To destroy and torment
Mine spirit
To bury oneself
In the land of broken dreams

2005-05-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

It’s 4.22am and I’m still up. It’s a Sunday morning. I figured I shouldn’t go to sleep coz if I did, I wouldn’t be able to wake up in time for church.
Therefore it’s my deathly silent room and me.
I had panic attacks these few days. Of what, one might wonder. Don’t look at me; I’m none the wiser.

Perhaps I’ve been seeing the ugly side of me ever more plainly in recent times.
And I fear me.
Sometimes I detest me.

If I could take myself out of myself *rolls eyes* and take a good look at me. What would I see?

At the moment. A female who is too intense. Too aggressive. Too argumentative. Too opinionated.

I. Just. Can’t. Seem. To Back. Down.

In a span of 2 weeks, I’ve had 5 people tell me about my character flaws.
It’s hard to hear. But, I’m grateful it was given from people who love and care for me.

I want to change.
I do.
Yet, a part of me still incessantly clings on to this ugliness within me.
Refusing to let go.
Maybe it’s for the fear that i would lose me in the process of change.

My angst at its worst.
My bitter wrath.
My misery that refused to be quelled.
My hysteria.
My bouts of my utter madness.
Who has ever witnessed?
But one person.

And so there was a boy who was different from the others.
He took all my insecurities in his stride and embraced me with such stubborn love.

Binge no more

2005-05-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

I think I have quite an unhealthy relationship with food. There’s this inexplicable chemistry between us and mind you it’s pretty evident coz we’re inseparable.

This relationship, however, is getting out of hand. And I have to end it. Though it’ll be painful for the both of us. There might be sleepless nights and times of weaknesses. But I think it’s best for the both of us.

We’ll be breaking up tommoroe.

2005-05-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine confided in me that he is seriously considering the option of being a celibate. And because he is catholic, he might want to pursue priesthood. So I asked him why. The reason being, he feels so crappy about love and females that he wants out. I mean, why shouldn’t he feel frustrated. Females can be crap, I’m living testament to that. Lovey, dovey relationships can end abruptly and leave you in confusion and misery.

So initially, when I heard I thought it was absurd. But after digesting the concept, the idea became more and more appealing.

In fact, I’m beginning to understand the anxiety that human relationships bring and how good it would be to just escape from it all. The thought of being totally un-phased by these issues and being untouchable is radical. A state I’d like to be in.

I wished I were courageous enough to venture.
Possibly to an isolated island.
Be tough enough to sustain on wild berries and rabbit.
Learn the ropes of survival.
To curb dependency.
I realized that’s my weakness.
Wean off dependency.

gettin jiggy wit it

2005-05-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

So I went for this Hens and Bucks pub-crawl, held every semester by Lincoln. The supposed highlight of the night was a pre-ordered male stripper, hired for our viewing pleasure. Hence we were at the British (a pub), to witness the event. To our utter shock and might I say disgust, the stripper was this bloke who was probably over forty. He made a dramatic entrance, role playing as Zorro (a rather unfortunate one really). Plus Zorro is such a lame character to dress up as seriously. Anyway, He strutted around the room, getting random girls to peel off his skintight clothes, and rub lotion all over his flabby body. Worse still, he was clad in this micro-mini red leather G-string. Ladies and Gentlemen, IT Was Not Good. Anyways, he did the full Monty, and it wasn’t at all spectacular, spectacular to say the least. Well, the only consolation was that he kinda wrapped up the show in 15 min, to save us from further abuse. Moving along.

We then proceeded to a club to dance away the trauma. It was not long before I caught the infectious beat. It has indeed been a long time since I last clubbed. It’s nice to move with the music without inhibition. It’s not the same though, dancing alone. I wished he was with me on that very dance floor. I remember those crazy clubbing nights with him. I swear, He’s got such groove. The first time I saw him dance it totally blew me away. *bites lower lip*

Your phone call was certainly timely might I add.
Gosh I’m still flirting wit you aren’t I?

Not-a-good-thing.

can i keep u?

2005-05-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

The conversation we had was so refreshing. It was like when we first met, and discovered that we could connect on a different level apart from most people. Only now, it’s mellower for obvious reasons. Knowing that we’ll always somehow have a piece of each other though we’re not together gives me a sense of affirmation. Though I’ll admit that when I asked you what was new in life it was out of conversational courtesy. You know, the ‘you asked me, so I have to ask you back’ thing. I didn’t actually really want to know. Maybe, it’s coz I’m not as much of a masochist as you. When you spoke of your life, new life or love interests, etc; I found myself holding my breath and my body growing strangely tense. I find my neurotic behaviour half disturbing and amusing at the same time. Of course, when I did catch myself going all weird, I did a relaxing routine (some inhale & exhale exercise nonsense), which works wonderfully. WhIch led to me eventually managing to think straight.

Truth is; I want you to be happy. To embrace life, love and God. I feel so much for you, it's undeniable. It's unmistakable. It’s a love that's morphing from the 'possessive, i want you now' (which by the way,was really hot) to something else that I have not gotten down to defining. You once told me this: With each girl, is a different love. I find strange comfort in that.

Truth is
Kinship never dissipates into nothing
It is in fact
A state of irrevocability

a heightened sense of smell

2005-05-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

Walking down a bustling street, minding my own business a scent hits me. It’s a micro-second, from the time you get a whiff of it till your brain registers and identifies the scent. It jolted me from my random thoughts, I whipped around to scan the crowd; hoping to zero in on the subject who owned that smell. To no avail of course.

It smelt like someone close from ago. In fact, it transported me back in an instant.

I don’t know about you. But a big part of nostalgia comes from smell. It triggers some part of your cerebellum to perform an internal scan in the hard-drive of the forbidden, hopefully forgotten folder.

Buried treasures that aren’t meant to be dug up.

Bury me deep.
So far below the earth
So I’ll never know
Whether it’s dawn or dusk
Then leave me there
For a million years
Perhaps by then
I wouldn’t remember your face
Seeing you wouldn’t evoke anything
You’d not even be a distant memory
Your scent wouldn’t rouse any emotion
Yet would your soul still call out my name
Knowing that I wished it still would?

happy mother's day

2005-04-30T10:51:00.000-07:00

She spent many an hour
In her day
Just envisioning
The being that would come to be
The tiny hands
That would hang tightly onto life
The tiny feet
That would walk this earth
The tiny ears
That would yearn her coax
The tender mind
That would receive what she taught
All these she imagined
With a contentment
Not even she could understand
And she trembled
With sweet anticipation

The waves of pain seared
Wide-eyed with fear
She uttered a prayer
The agony of labour raged
For what seemed to be an eternity
Till at last
He was born.
With tenderness
She embraced him
Smiling faintly
She lightly kissed his temple

Months went by
From babe to a child
With reluctance
She released her grip
As he toddled precariously
Under her bated breath she waited
With each small step
She whispered words of approval
Even at the age of two
He knew
That she’d never let him fall

Years went by
From a child to an adolescent
He had grown
And she too had aged
Yet still with equal vigor
There she was
At every game
Always at the pitch
Cheering with all she had

Yet still
With steadfast dedication
She did the chores around the house
Though it was hardly noticed
Much less appreciated

Yet still
With undying zeal
She continued to offer advice
Of knowledge and wisdom
Though it fell on deaf ears

~~~

Mother
I would never know
How many times I had shattered your heart
When I spoke a rebellious word

I would never know
How many sleepless nights you endured
When I ran away from home

I would never know
How many tears you and daddy have cried
For me
In the quiet of the night

But what I do know is
That I want to kiss your brow
And recite to you
This tribute
For it’s my way
Of saying
I love you.

2005-04-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

This night I willed
You to call
Yet a watched phone does not ring

Does telepathy wear off?
Do kindred spirits stay fused
Amidst turmoil?

You’re too faraway
I can’t reach you
Grant me an emissary

My urgent message
You’ll receive
And I pray you’ll soon reply

words don't come easy to me

2005-04-28T06:31:00.000-07:00

It was one of those carefree days
No essays no nothin’
I flopped on my bed after a steamy shower
Feeling fresh and fabulous
I pored over some fashion magazines
The dim lights and music playing in the background
Created such an atmosphere in my room
One that was dreamy and romantic
I felt a warm and fuzzy feeling inside of me
Letting out sigh of contentment
It was then the realization hit me
This Is single life
The life of singleness and being without a guy
I guess it can’t be that bad
In fact it’s quite liberating
It’s all in the mind
It’s not loneliness; it’s lonesomeness
It’s not being left alone; it’s just having time alone
It’s not being unloved; it’s having yet to love and be loved
I guess
Waiting is not that much of a pain in the arse
If only we try to enjoy the wait
While most girls probably have some criteria all figured out
In case the guy of their dreams saunters past
This made me realize that
I have not formulated any tangible criterion
Whilst I do have a benchmark that has formally been set pretty high
And some wise old sayings that I bring along with me through life
I should get down to some serious thinking.
Meanwhile, here are some musings from loved ones.

Find someone who will never be reckless with your heart.
-eujin

If someone has the power to make you do irrational acts, and they abuse that power; it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.
-eujin

Take time to notice how much he loves his parents. For if he is dutiful, committed and loving to his parent; he probably will be the same to you when you’re old, fat and unattractive. -mom

Ask yourself difficult questions about what you want in a guy. And be honest with your answers, even if it reflects on you being superficial. -jean

Just want a guy who will love me for who I am. -joanna

When you look at him, ask yourself whether you will be able to go out amongst people whose opinion matter most to you with him, and be proud to be his girl. -mom

Envision him old, wrinkled, bald and having to change his adult diaper; if you see yourself doing it, you probably love him. -me

Age doesn’t matter…why should it? If your hearts meet, it would be last thing on your minds. -yuko

If a guy really loves you, he will wait. If a girl really loves you, she’ll be frugal for you.
- dad

The worse kind of a guy, is one who is cruel. -jean

Aren’t relationships supposed to be full of happiness? If yours is becoming too miserable then something might be wrong. -shermaine

Knowing she is the one, is when you lie beside her just satisfied with watching her slumber; and you just feel like the luckiest guy on earth. -karn

i need not just sleep. i need rest.

2005-04-28T06:30:00.000-07:00

These nights have been filled with visions and apparitions
Some sweetly intoxicating
Others just down right frightening
All in all extremely intriguing
Spending countless hours trying to piece distortion together
I arrived at where I began
Everything just so bizarre
Beyond my own understanding
Just when I thought all was lost
The answer came to me in form of a kind word
Simple and instructive
Just Pray

................................

2005-04-25T03:56:00.000-07:00

Amidst a joyous atmosphere
Great celebration would come to past
Delicate decorations hung
A feast laid out
Maidens were dressed in beautiful gowns
They sung with voices like angels
Children’s laughter filled the courtyard
Whilst they twirled deliriously with the music

Ushered and hurried by the womenfolk
She was clothed in a simple white frock
Textured like organza
Loose and shapeless
It flowed all the way to the floor
Then they placed a crown on her brow
Confused and unaware
Dizzy and bewildered
She stood on the pedestal
Waiting for her groom
With all her might and main
Hour after hour
Time passed her by
Yet he never came

whimper

2005-04-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

i missed u
wanted to call u
not wanting to act upon emotions
i quelled it
refrained from it
and waited for the rash moment
to pass

my wanting to express
all there is in my soul
My woe
My joy
harboured within
i want you in on it
like how it was
or rather
how we planned it
to always be

times awasting
tides roll by
not caring
not halting
season after season
i grow older
perhaps wiser
perhaps more foolish

these thoughts i claim
do they hold any semblence
to what is meant to be
dreams are all i rant
yet i catch myself
inthis confusing reality
somehow
too involved
sometimes
too aloof
distinctly
unmoved
often then not
too afraid

for reality will never see
the true me
the tragic romantic that i am
could never surface
the damsel i can pretend to be
will never be unveiled
for the reflection i see
is not me

that can't be me

come sweeten my afternoon

2005-04-18T00:39:00.000-07:00

I’m in my room
Listening to jazz
It’s cold outside
But my room
Feels so cozy
My curtains wide open
Revealing a sky full of possibilities

It’s all so peaceful
I feel so relaxed
Such a difference from last night
When I suffered from nightmares
It haunted my slumber
And even when I roused
It haunted me still

I felt so alone
So estranged from my surroundings
And the crowds in my mind
All had not a name
Nor a familiar face
Leaving me
Groping blindly in the pitch of the night

Before fear consumed me
I reached for comfort
Thanks for picking up the phone kaishu
It didn’t take long before I felt much better

Today will be a fabulous day.
I’m determined for it to be.
So help me God.
Nod.

Oh yeah…*kupo!*
Whooohooo!

random thoughts

2005-04-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine said
That every sin is already in each of us
and it’s up to us whether we act upon them

Indeed
Born from a seed of sinful man
I belong to the fallen race

Yet
We're each given the gift of freewill
A chance for making the right choice

Therefore in crude terms
Every boy has an innate potential to be a bastard
Likewise
Every girl inhibits the potential to be a bitch

Hence
It’s easy to succumb to the desires of the world
Therefore the inclination to stray
Is quite high

I guess that's why
It's a breath of fresh air
When you try so hard
To do what’s right

To deny yourself
To rid all desires of the flesh
To flee from temptation
To run with the light

So
Arm me with the truth
So I’ll not be deceitful
Heal my afflictions
So I won’t be ashamed
Instruct me
So I won’t make excuses
Be close to me
So I won’t be lonely
Make me clean
So I can be pure

i know i'm not perfect
but for you,
i wanna be.

Just Do It

2005-04-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

I managed to submit the blasted essay
Thanks to a guardian angel
Kept me awake
Slogged wit me thru the nite
Familiar isn’t it?
I guess what goes around
Does come around

University of Adelaide
Media Engagements 2005 (MDIA 1002)

Different techniques have been used for different ideological and information purposes by different newsmakers. However, many of these techniques are so subtly applied that we rarely notice their dramatic impact on our daily lives. With examples from one or two commercials or public awareness campaigns, discuss the uses of music, sound effects, color, graphics and animation and popular landmark in attracting our attention to such products or information and how effective such techniques have been.

When it comes to advertising and selling ideas, I believe that NIKE is a cut above the rest. This is a company that pumps in gross amounts of money each year into marketing their company image and promoting their merchandise. In fact, they have a knack of selling more than just their merchandise; they sell a concept of their brand of lifestyle. To illustrate their prowess, I have selected their “secret tournament, soccer commercial” of April 2002. If you watched it, you will realize that the uncut version of the advertisement is all of three minutes long. It shows of a huge ship, probably an oil tanker, anchored at a remote harbor in the dark of the night. The scene is made to look very sinister and the ship looks abandoned, giving us the impression of secrecy and mystery. Then, iron doors engraved with a scorpion icon fling open dramatically, revealing a group of menacing looking football players. All twenty-four of them, every one of them have global status; making up a star studded mob. The mark of the scorpion is “an icon of danger and intrigue, the scorpion serves as the symbol for stinging play. Seen popping up around the world since mid-March [2002], the sinister and segmented arachnid evokes the speed and venomous strikes that bring victory.” (Bbc.co.uk, 2002, par. 7). The interesting thing about this scorpion icon is that, it was posted everywhere. It was on billboards at train stations and bus terminals, prior to the screening of the advertisement. This evoked an air of curiosity and anticipation surrounding that symbol. People wanted to know what it stood for and what it signified. When the advertisement was finally screened, everyone could make sense of it and the significance of the scorpion could be appreciated. This preemptive strategy is very effective as it fosters suspense and causes the public to talk about the advertisement, which is publicity in itself.

The idea that this soccer game is held on a ship instead of in a normal field promotes a sense of adventure because it is out of the ordinary. The narrator in the commercial then says with a low foreboding voice, “Hidden from the world, 24 elite players hold a secret tournament. With eight teams and only one rule. First goal wins.” Immediately, that tells us that this soccer tournament is exclusive, that only the cream of the crop is able to take part in it. It is also quite ironic, that this competition supposedly strives to be ‘hidden from the world’, yet somehow the whole world manages to get in on the act. The success of Nike’s Scorpion K.O tournament worldwide is a testament to the dexterity of this “pseudo exclusivity” concept with regards to marketing. What Nike did was to simulate an environment where even the commoner can feel like he is a part of something that is regarded “classified” or “top secret”. Despite the fact that the general population is aware that this is merely a ploy, or a publicity stunt, it does not seem to have affected the effectiveness of this strategy in any way.
There are many reasons as to how this multi-faceted marketing campaign has been able to capture its intended audience. One of which, is the fantasy element. Nike includes a story in its marketing assault, where top players are invited to join a secret tournament where the logo of said tournament reveals nothing about it. This ingenious move adds depth to the logo, giving it a quiet charm. Immediately, what you get is added value to those who know about the tournament. Suddenly, there is a distinction between people due to ‘who knows and who does not’. Hence, teenagers band together in a heightened sense of awareness toward the logo, and imagine themselves to be part of a special select group of people who are in on this, “top secret” tournament. They continue to associate the bearers of the logo (which could be on your shirt, shorts, headband or anywhere else, really) and an obscure bonding actually forms with those who bear the mark of the scorpion. The scorpion symbolizes the lifestyle that they share. What lifestyle, you might ask? Why, it signifies the life and secret dreams of a soccer player of course. To be a top world class player who is so elite, that you are invited to a tournament where only the best shall play. The ideology of being able to be like your favorite soccer player if you wear what he wears is brought forth quite subtly in this advertisement. The advertisement itself does not promote the merchandise with in your face introduction of the products. Rather, it powerfully advocates by letting these famous players don on the NIKE jerseys and footwear then showing off their amazing soccer abilities.
Since there are plenty of teenagers who fancy a game of soccer, you can see how Nike’s affair with its “secret tournament” managed to cause such a frenzy in able-bodied youths worldwide. With such a campaign such as this, some youths will be inspired to enter the tournament as a player while others will be drawn to it to be an audience. As a result, all who were a part of this moment and event would probably want to purchase a ‘scorpion logo’ product sold over the counter to commemorate that they were a part of the tournament; for ‘material objects rather than human beings must be called upon to testify to the individual’s worth’. (Hovland & Wilcox, 1989, p. 49).

So if the concept was so perfect, why was it necessary to spend so much on getting all the best soccer players in the world to commit to the advertisement? Firstly, it is very much in line with the story of actually having only the best to compete. Next, a big majority of the teenagers (who happen to be their intended audience) probably each have their own soccer idols. Nike was probably trying its best to represent everyone’s soccer idol in its advertisement as well, to get the immediate attention of its young viewers.
In the commercial, the pitch is an underground metallic-caged street soccer arena, similar to what we see in those ‘death match’ wrestling matches. It is almost as if this tournament is meant to take on a more one on one confrontational stance with regards to their opponents. The players are like well-oiled lean mean fighting machines that are let loose into the cage; similar to the sport of unleashing scorpions and letting them fight till the death. The cage also gives us an impression that everyone competing will be contained till a winner emerges. The referee overseeing this tournament is none other than Eric Cantona himself. He is clad in a dark suit and armed with a fashionable cane, looking like a game master from a fantasy game. Eric Cantona has a reputation of being not only one of the most talented players on the pitch but also one of the most notorious. Everyone is aware of his ‘gung ho’ nature when he physically assaulted a fan by unleashing a deadly flying kick in the direction of the unsuspecting victim. Ever since then, he has been the ‘bad boy’ of football, flamboyant, infamous and admired by many football fanatics. NIKE probably wanted the game master to be the representational epitome of a competitor that not only possessed skill but an attitude of arrogance, playfulness and impetuousness. This is precisely the image and persona that Cantona possesses making him the most worthy candidate to represent the competition itself.
“A little less conversation, a little more action.” These are powerful words for such a cheerful song. This is an apt inclusion in Nike’s advertisements on so many different levels. First and foremost is the fast-paced and upbeat nature of the song that blends well with the sport. Its cheeriness is also a reflection of how Nike’s brand of street soccer is a cheeky adaptation of the actual field game, where there is more space for creativity and tongue-in-cheek moves. If we further analyze the first verse, it reveals something very true. There wasn’t much conversation at all during the video advertisements, implying that there won’t be much at the competition either. The word “action” as in the first verse of the song refers to all the potential action that will go on in the competition, with the message being subtly communicated to the audience without ever realizing it. The music actually helps to translate to its listeners that there won’t be much talk going on, that the competition will be fast paced and action packed all the way to the end. This piece of music is essentially, what the entire competition is about.

Lets delve deeper into the subject of our discussion. Street Soccer. It is a form of culture, it is a lifestyle, and above all, it is all about attitude. This is a macro to micro representation of what soccer really means to the youths, the understated clientele to Nike. Culture, being on a macro level, is all about how soccer is being played in almost country on the globe. Soccer as the world’s favorite game is a proven statistical fact, and the youths play it with passion in whatever neighborhood they may reside in. So another reason why Nike hit a home run with the youths is because it legitimizes what they have been doing all this time, and not only did they not get credit for it, they were probably reprimanded for playing in an unsafe environment not intended for soccer. Since youths don’t necessarily have the means to play a proper eleven-aside match on a nice soccer field, they are left to whatever they see in their neighborhoods. So with Nike giving street soccer its rightful place in the world by having this competition, it empowers the youths, and they would therefore feel compelled to claim ownership of such a competition (All the better for Nike and its products). There is, however, no literal sense of ownership unless you have a piece of it, and in this case, a piece of whatever merchandise Nike is exporting that has that slick looking Scorpion on it.

Nike also seems to be advocating the playful mindset inherent in most youths, claiming the street brand of soccer and injecting in it a flavor of style that is very appealing to youths. Since playing and teasing each other as they play their soccer is the way it is on the streets of the world, Nike’s lifestyle bit is very much in their advertisements; the world’s best soccer players seem not just to want to play for the win, but also to tease the opponent with showy skills and flair. Now then this “flavor of style” gives rise to the most crucial member of the macro to micro representation. Attitude. With the stage set for individual displays of personal ability that weave seamlessly with two other personal abilities that make a group, and with Eric Cantona as a theme for the competition (he is seen as the judge/referee/in-charge in the Nike advertisements), what you get is a full scale event that is tailored to captivate the attention of youths and bring out the competitor within each one of them. After which, of course, there is nothing left to remember the grand experience by except anything with that unassuming and deceptively innocent scorpion logo.

In conclusion, the playfulness in skill that NIKE has displayed through this all-star cast of football players is juxtaposed by the deathly competitiveness symbolized by the scorpion. Yet, both ideologies can be married to be a widely appealing concept of the oxymoron ‘serious fun’. In this splendid blend of subtle yet pointed notions, consumers are convinced that NIKE is indeed football and football could only be this ‘cool’ when you wear NIKE, and that football is not just a sport but a sub-culture that you would want to belong in.

Word count: 1997

References

Bbc.co.uk: Edited Guide Entry. (2002). [On-line]. Retrieved April 4, 2005 from World
Wide Web: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A776009 (2002, July 24). Par. 7.

Hovland, Roxanne. & Wilcox, Gary B. (1989). Advertising in Society: Classic and
Contemporary Readings on Advertising’s Role in Society (pp. 49). Lincolnwood (Chicago), Illinois U.S.A, 1990.

Bibliography

Chapman, Simon. (1986). Great Expectorations: Advertising and the Tobacco Industry.
London. 1986.

Death Fall: Trailers and Videos. (2002) [On-line]. Retrieved April 4, 2005 from World
Wide Web: http://www.deathfall.com/article.php?op=click&sid=751 (2002, May 15).

Goldman, Robert. (1949). Nike Culture: The Sign of the Swoosh London: SAGE, 1998

Lane, Kevin & Keller. (1956). Strategic brand management: Building, measuring and
managing brand equity. Upper Saddle River, N.J. : Prentice Hall, c1998.

chain of memories

2005-04-11T14:35:00.000-07:00

Sora,

I been having these weird thoughts lately.
Memories
Of you and I
And I do nothing
To push you out of my mind
I think of you
Fondly still
How good a team we were
To face and fight our darkness
Slaying em down in haste
To run with our dreams
To where we first belong
Destiny.
Suddenly
I see us on the shore again
It’s like time did not creep t’all
Our adventures have all been a dream
We called these fantasies up
Realized them
And yet
Once we have awakened
They fade to ashes
Blown away with the wind
Yet traces of it stay
like remnants of a cobweb
Just as a gentle reminder
of what mattered yesterday

......

It’s like is any of this for real or not?

Kairi

castle on a cloud

2005-04-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve been thinking about Disney Land
I wanna go back there so much
In fact, I think I wanna work there
Be part of the crew that brings a smile to the faces of many

I remember bounding into Disney Land
After waiting for like what seemed to be eternity
At the cute little gantries
And entranced by its beauty upon entry
Everything was like from a novel somewhere
Right down to the minuscule details
Even visiting the loo was like an adventure in itself
The décor’s seriously perfecto
Oh, and the rides are positively memorable
Like you know..the Indiana Jones and E.T one
Hmm…I think E.T was universal studios
Oh never you mind..
Anyway the adrenaline rush is what I look forward to
It’s almost like a certain brand of ecstasy
Like a kind of healthy drug I guess

I desire to go on a roller coaster ride
Like right about now
Just to wake myself up
To reality
For it seems that I slip into an alternate world
Quite ever so often
For that world in my mind is so alluring
That only harsh winds
Sudden drops
And giving me those butterflies in my stomach
Might make me reside in realism

Who wants to take a ride wit me?
Grissom
You up fer it?

wat you want me do? who you want me kill?

2005-04-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

It’s times like these that I really miss gaming
It’s really odd how I find joy in cleaning my room,
Packing my books and doing my laundry
When I have assignments to rush for
Suddenly being bored and having nothing to do
Seems so appealing
Human nature is indeed fascinating.
Wow. Even now, I’m using behavioral analysis as an excuse
To momentarily escape from my work.
I never cease to amaze myself.
In fact, I realized that I’m fully capable of
Amusing myself to quite an alarming extent.

I miss Battlenet.
I miss gamecons.
I miss my accounts.
Crap.
That reminds me…
Do my Region accounts still exist?

*dread overcomes petra*

if i was given a penny for every thought. i'd be friggin rich.

2005-04-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

I used to really like my walks back home
Those good ‘ol secondary skool days
I was what, 15 years old?
i wonder
What on earth did i have to think about?

Wasn't life carefree then?
Or does it just seem so
As time goes by
We grow ancient
look back
and chide our childish whims
It was then our joys took us to the highest of skies
And our sorrow
To deepest pits
.....
The last bell rings
I Gather my things and started off
Trudging along the pathway
Away from all the sounds of hysteria
Gossip and girly politics

Instead I was attuned to listening
To the sound of my own footsteps
The consistant patter
Ushers my state of thought
Reveals an escape route from my present
To the recollections of past
That is when
Nostalgia sets in

Bittersweet memories reel through my mind
Sometimes painted so vivid and real
Brings fresh tears down my face
And a familiar pain in my heart
Entertained by my own escape
I'm oblivious to my existence

Till of course I arrive at my front porch
Only to reach in
Pull out my keys
And end my emotional flashback
Not without letting out a sigh
Of reluctance

Today.
I’m 22 years old
I still like taking walks with myself
I guess some things never change

lalala...

2005-04-04T09:11:00.001-07:00

You have no idea how much of werk I have awaiting my attention
But I just need to pen a little on this page
I can’t stop smiling
I am immensely happy
The word’s…. elated
Yeah..that’s what I am

These days have been really swell
Coz I see a sunshine in my life
There’s like a hop and a skip in my walk
And a beat and melody in my head
And a big spastic grin plastered on my face

So if you see a really small person
With an idiotic look of satisfaction on her face
It’s probably me
Yep..that’s what I am

scowl

2005-04-01T21:40:00.001-08:00

What in the world?
This feeling is out of character
It’s strange and unfamiliar
Akin to
When a masterpiece is complete and a cake falls on it
When someone leaves fingerprints on a polished vase
When you trip and fall in front of the finishing line in a race
You get the drift…

Why can’t my life just be problem free?
And yet
Even a bed of roses has its thorns
So there
I’m condemned to trials and tribulations
Galore?
I’m confusion personified

Why is it so hard to keep my eyes on you Jesus?
Is it coz your light blinds mine eyes?
These eyes that have been so accustomed to darkness
Yet you have set me free
My whole being groans in despair
I struggle
So many issues overwhelm my already throbbing head
I guess there’s no running from my sin

I’m ashamed.
I rebuke me
Repent.

wo de siao siao kuai le ne?
bu ke nen bu jian le ba?
tian ah.
wo gai zhe me ban?

smile

2005-04-01T20:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,

I just got off the phone with Karn
And it was just the most amazing phone call
I explained to him about my life here
And my thoughts
My concerns and joys

I know it’s hard for him to hear all this
But he takes it in his stride
He truly, truly cares for me
Coz he said,
“seeing you so happy, it’s really hard for me be angry.
I am still sad, but I can’t help being happy for you.”

That says a lot
You are my kindred
I appreciate you so much in my life
I will never forget you
Every night I pray for you and your family
I’m sure God will touch your lives
Indeed

Remember what I said
You are not spiritually dead
You are just de-sensitized
Seek and you shall find
Ask and it will be given to you
Knock and the door will be open unto you
That’s a promise of a lifetime!
*nice guy pose*

Karn. You are so good.
You must get to know Him.
I can’t bear it.

2005-03-29T09:58:00.000-08:00

I can see Christ through you
You speak with such conviction
It moves me to tears
I see how you shepherd the flock
You truly care and love your people
The Word of God that you teach
With authority and clarity
It pierces into my soul
Clearing all the doubts that had lingered for years

Dear Pastor Paean
I thank you for answering God’s call
You have ministered to us
Brought the message to us
And I look up to you as a faithful servant of God
That someday
I shall be just like you

Zzz

2005-03-23T02:15:00.000-08:00

Today I had my first Media law and Policy group meeting
My other group members are Michael and Emily, both Aussie
We went to the law library to gather cases
And we met a very animated librarian indeed
I think he was informative and helpful
It was quite a pleasant experience

Michael and Emily are both really nice
I am so glad.
I did pray for fantastic group mates
Coz this presentation is worth 25%
I can’t afford to screw up

Well, I just came back from playing basketball
It was downright rigorous
There came a point in time the game turned to ruby instead
Lucky for me, I moved out of the way
Of not I’d be a goner
Well, at least I exercised a little

But I feel my eyelids starting to get a tad heavy
Gosh I can’t fall asleep
I’ve got a stack of readings to do
Not to mention a New Media Presentation tomorrow

Perhaps I’ll just take a short nap
Yup.
Just a nap.

forgive me.

2005-03-22T02:08:00.000-08:00

I recognize the hurt that wells up in your heart
And it saddens me that you think I inflict this upon you
Wanting this mode of darkness enter your heart
Do know. It’s really just the opposite.

It might sound corny
But I have a new perspective on life and love
I used to think that I had to get married at 24
Have children at the age of 27
Have a career whilst juggling all this
Then what?

Work like a dog
Buy a huge house so that everyone has a room
The family grows distant
Have my kids resent me
Develop cancer
Wait to die
…
Death cometh

Then what?
Is that what life is about?
After this lifetime, we dissipate into nothingness?
It’s meaningless.. meaningless…only a chasing after the wind

Naught.
My life is not just a deposable chrono flicker.
My life is part of His chyro plan.

If biblical truths and His guide were to be my light
Then my life has a secret direction
I would ask Him where
He would whisper it to me

Most of my life I’ve been holding back from telling people about God
I was not going to church regularly
Every Sunday I would lie awake in my bed
And think up excuses for not going to fellowship with God’s people
That was because my life was in shambles
My priority in life was never God although I constantly lied that it was.
Never read the bible tho I knew it’s the roadmap to heaven
Never prayed tho that’s how you draw close to the Lord

I am not ignorant of these things
Therefore I have no excuse
The truth is right before my eyes
Yet with eyes shut I wandered in darkness
Resisting to be corrected and rebuked
Continuing in the life of the flesh

So selfish I have been
So inward I have lived
So many I could have shared the gospel to
Yet there I was
Too afraid
Too ashamed
Too proud
Too complacent
Too lazy
Too inhibited
Too far from God

Fact of the matter is that
I’ll never be good enough
But at least I have to try try again
For God is just
He looks within our hearts
And honors us for our efforts

I’m gonna shape up
For there’s no time to lose
There are too many souls lost
Too many who have not heard
The good news
My cousins
My aunties
My uncles
My friends
My countrymen
My fellow human beings
Your soul shall find peace
Your lives shall find meaning
Your spirit shall soar with the angels on high

Look not only at me
And say “that is what you call a Christian?”
And for the rest of your life
Deny yourself of salvation
For I am flawed
But the one who has sent me isn’t
He’s perfect in all ways
He holds the heavens and earth
He is the alpha and omega
The beginning and the End.
I’ve a message for you.

You’re royalty
And the King awaits your return

2005-03-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

“… Consider this paradox. Both Marxism and Capitalist are ideologies that seek to liberalize people, hoping to achieve democracy and equality in its bureaucratic structure…yet advocating opposing means to achieving these high moral ends.
In the end, is it not idealism and apologia? And failure of a system at its best?”

When the presentation came to a close.
The adrenaline expelled
I felt the blush fade from my face
Exhilaration
Not bad.
Not too bad at all.

One presentation down…
Two to go.

O’ brother.

then humpty dumpty went splat

2005-03-16T00:56:00.000-08:00

The oddest thing happened today.
After lecture I was walking from the Napier Building
Feeling happy about getting thru the day
Plus the prospects of getting aquainted with my bed
As I went down the stairway
A stray thought entered my mind
*hmm. .it’s been a long time since I last fell down*

Another thought.
*erm…it would be weird if I did fall after having this thought*

Right then
a girl in front of me tumbled down the stairs.

Rapid thoughts.
*wow, she fell hard*
*i should go help yah*

More thought.
*Maybe that was a premonition*
*Maybe it was karma*
*Maybe it was a coincidence*

But boy…
It sure was weird.

any scope for imagination?

2005-03-15T07:54:00.000-08:00

It’s approaching autumn and the weather is getting cooler
Soon the park will turn into a pretty sight
Leafs show off, in a finale of colors
Before they fall to the ground and wither away

As I stroll down the park lands
I spotted the most fascinating tree in the clearing
It had the sturdiest woody trunk
Such a shade of old oak
The branches grew close
As if it cuddled against the winds
They held the greenest leaves
In great abundance they grew
As I advanced closer
It's looming presence
just engulfed me
Would it reach out to pick me
I felt strangely excited
Never thought I’d find my childhood
Magic Faraway Tree

Come out pixies, moonface and saucepan man
We’ll leave
Tonight
For the cloud is ere

my Father's sky

2005-03-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

Feel like lying on a barge
Drifting along in a lake
Having the chance to stare the sky
Watch the clouds sail by
And maybe if I looked hard enough
I’d see the heavens
And His kind face smiling down at me
Regardless of how much I’ve changed
He recognizes me
Beckons me to follow Him
I lift my arms in reach for his
To a promise
That will never fail
Never falter
My El Shadai

2005-03-13T08:44:00.000-08:00

please.
but i miss u.
my heart so heavyladen.
yet so set on wanting u.
i'm pretty messed up.
the future's so unsure.
no
dun gimme ifs and maybes.
baby, thats not enough.
can't expain.
it's just not enough...

still a princess despite these rags of unworthiness?

2005-03-13T04:02:00.000-08:00

These are the days where urgency is required to accomplish a task and I can’t seem to get down to writing my essays. Not to mention the numerous presentations that have yet to be scripted. I begin to realize that writer’s block is the refined term to reluctance and laziness to pen something constructive. Well as opposed to this I guess, which is just random expression without a stitch of expected validity. Worse still, my subject matter is on Karl Marx. I mean, the guy has serious issues. Brilliant and insightful…yet juxtaposed by his pure idealism and narrow-mindedness. Plus, like I give a hoot about his policies and economic input. Sigh.

Did I mention that I've developed an incessant cough that bothers me? Coz my presentations are up the following week, I’m actually pretty worried. Admittedly, I brought it upon myself, after all the Tim Tams I chowed down. Goodness knows when it’ll pass.

I wanna go back so badly this autumn break..i dunno whether it’ll be possible. I hope my folks will relent, coz I wanna run back to my darling as well as meet up with all my pals. Not to mention eat my mutton soup, moss burger and suki sushi. So many things to do, so little time. I want to take time out to be a better person as well. After much reflection, I thought that my character could do with an overhaul. I wanna be a person that I’d not be ashamed of. Contrary to how I feel about myself now. I breathe easier now. Coz I realized that the only way I’d ever have any fulfillment in my life is when I’m close to Him. I’ve gone my own way for far too long. It has been one of the loneliest and darkest paths I’ve trod. Truly empty and my heart couldn’t find peace. Sounds cliché. Yet truth be told, I'm done with that.

My mission? To try to live by faith. Not by sight. So help me God.
I wanna live for the divine truth. As daughter of the King of Kings, I step forth to take my place.
Won't u too?

hopelessly lovelorn

2005-03-11T22:22:00.000-08:00

How can I think I’m standing strong yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?

How can you make me fall apart then break my fall with loving lies?
It’s so easy to break a heart; it’s so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child?
Yet like a child I yearn for you.
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two acting seventeen.
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known.
I was never crazy on my own and now I know that there’s a link between the two
Being close to craziness and being close to you.
And being close to you
And being close to you

...

2005-03-05T03:31:00.000-08:00

Never really noticed how meaningless everything around you is
Till you are made the definitive observer
When everyone becomes a mere subject of your scrutiny
When you don’t care at all to mask your study
And they turn rigid and self-conscious
Their actions seem a little up and overdone
Too trying and ostentatious
It galls you so
Cringe
When all about you is chatter
It grows in intensity with each deafening second
Soon, it doesn’t even sound like words anymore
Everywhere you see those irksome grins
Cringe
There’s a growing urge to punch them in
Let your mind drift
Let those faces and sounds
Fade into nothing
Nothingness is a great state to be in.

School most satisfying

2005-03-04T05:46:00.000-08:00

What can I say, the best lecturers one could have, are given to me this semester!
I mean seriously…I have gone for 2 hour lecturers and I have not slept one teeny weenie bit,
in fact, I might not even have yawned!
*ponders*. Oooo…but I did doodle Karn and Jen all over my jotter book. Heh.
O’well it’s still something to cheer about. For ever so often, the lecture is indeed
my most preferred slumber hour and place. period. Oh! Media Engagements and Media Law
are taken by Dr. Chika Anwanyu. You should listen to this guy, he makes so much of sense!
When he talks about policies and conventions of the Media, everything just fits.
Not to mention the insurmountable amounts of information that flows from his mouth.
No time to pen ‘em all down. Oh, then for Politics, Ideology and Discourse I have this female
lecturer who goes by the name of Carol Johnson. Yet another brilliant teacher of the theme.
When discussing political issues around the globe, her insights on world political structures
and big ideas that push for certain discourses are tremendous. Even with Asian, Middle Eastern
agendas, she is informed and demonstrates grace and understanding of each country’s standpoint
in her introductions to world political strife. I really admire these academics. I wonder if I’ll ever
climb the same mountains of awareness to eventually reach the peak of understanding.
Least, I’m on the tiny tread path, inching there.
Gimme some headway man..

i miss u so

2005-02-25T03:55:00.000-08:00

I’m here again
Without you
The pain in my heart
A familiar feeling
From ago
Serves me a constant ache
Every minute through my day

Yet there’s an energy
Much greater than this suffering
It’s passion
There’s a light
Much brighter then these lonely nights
It’s hope
There’s a thought that’s beyond now
It’s future

When you put it all together
It weaves a beautiful picture
Of you and I

And I can’t wait
But for you…

I’ll try.

torn apart once more

2005-02-20T11:18:00.000-08:00

Can I really be bothered with all these packing
All the nitty gritty
The hullabaloo
The Nick knack tally whacked
I don’t want to go back.
So give the dog a freakin bone
And gimme more days to bask in this bliss
Of endless chatter
In moonlit nights
Holding hands oh so tight
That look of endearment
In your eyes
That feeling that overwhelms us
Everytime.

I dread each moment without him
And every prospective moment
We’re gonna spend apart.

Dear God
You hear my cry
This feeling is beyond pain
And I’m hardly armed to face its torment
I brood and am depressed
And I’m sure you feel it just as well
But hushabye dear hunnybun
Tho we both will feel the pain
This little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt us now
You’re here
That’s all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I’ll sleep in your embrace at last

what have u done

2005-02-08T02:08:00.000-08:00

People want a blog,
I’ll give a blog.

Sometimes love just aint enough.
I remember loving that song in the year 1994.
When I was in primary 6.
I suspect I truly never understood those lyrics
Till last night.

What in the world is love anyway?
Is it the act of blabbering to your friends
About how you are so into someone?
Or is it about spending all your waking hours
With that special one?
It’s all talk, and talk is all there is.
Ironic how we get attached
To something that is just TALK.
Special? I mock that word.
Let this be a warning,
That you’ll never forget.

Don’t ever let yourself believe that you’re special
Cause you. R. not.
Save yourself the heartache
Coz one fine day,
After u come back from the loo,
You might just find out you’re just the lesser one.
Inconsequencial.
The fool of all fools.
As you stand there flabbergasted
At your own stupidity
And your lack of common sense
As you curse those romantic notions
That you let foster in your head.

U’re hurt.

By then u feeling cheated
Uncontrollably miserable
Won’t do any good
So wisen up.U aint nothing till u remember that u aint something.

no topo

2004-10-29T15:13:00.000-07:00

Life always has a Twist,
A turn of fate.
Unprepared, unaware.
It often finds me.
In all oblivion,
I had embarked.
On a journey.
With not a friend,
For company.
Not a soul,
That I know.

Without a destination,
In mind.
I have ventured,
Without a map.
Equipped with nothing,
But a broken heart.
With no hope,
Nor cheer to mend it.

Evident it’s been,
With no one to take lead.
I’m astray,
lost in the circle.
Of time and despair.

This chapter resembles.
A maze.
A huge looming fortress,
That I’m trapped within.
Acre after acre I trudge,
To no sign of an exit nor start.

How much of this,
Can I bear?
Everything’s just a copy,
Of a copy.
Nothing means anything,
Anymore.

And I’m tired.

And I give up.

-j

antidote

2004-10-27T01:47:00.000-07:00

My groans subside,
My sniffles too.
As I feast my eyes,
On your response.
Quiver.
Nod.
Yeah…you know it all.
Again you’ve guessed,
My inner thoughts.

The acknowledgements you render,
Stands alone.
For it in itself,
Is certainty.
None can see.
But you,
And me.
Firmly and surely it comforts me.
Ushers away my insecurity.
Rouses me from self-pity,
From the self-destruction.
That wavered me.

These intrepid words,
Hold strange powers.
Like an emblem of immunity.
Like a healing ward of sorts.
Like a remedy indeed.
Concocted just for me.
Highly sort after,
Secretly yearned.
Incessantly replayed.
To sustain my verve.

Can it be?
That an angel walks amongst us.
Can it be?
That he is betrothed to me.
In my inexplicable reverie.
He’s still the one and only.

-j

if you're smart, piss off.

2004-10-26T04:18:00.000-07:00

It’s like I’ve been neglecting you.
These weeks I’ve kept mum.
Not willing to speak.
Reluctant to spell it out in words.
Anguish and torment,
Harbored within my silence.

But nah…
Let’s go back to us.
Back to the basics.
I speak,
You listen.
You speak,
I listen.
The healthy exchange,
Between two rational beings.
A beautiful understanding,
Only between us transpires.
No one else mattered,
No one else had priority.

Now I’m trapped
Behind this fuckin glass pane
I see you.
Can’t reach you.
Can’t be near you.
Can’t have you.
Gimme a lifetime
I’ll probably get used to it.
Used to looking at what could have been.
If the barriers weren’t between.
Accustomed to the ache in my heart.
And my crippled soul.

Get me outta here.
Can’t handle it no more.
I surrender to hostility.
I’m humbled.
My head hangs in despair,
My disposition wary.
Gritted teeth.
Clenched fists.
Angst burns my cloudy eyes.
Step aside.
Move outta my way.
Advance cautiously.
I can’t guarantee.
Your safety.

-j

i want, that.

2004-10-07T00:37:00.000-07:00

Socialization.
The apparent rules of society that dictates how one should behave.
Ponder this concept.
How this internalized notion has indeed,
Drilled certain value systems in our consciousness.
That is,
Reflected in our behavior.
That,
Resonates in our daily advances.

Have you ever walked on the street and seen someone,
Yet strangely,
at face value…know (intuitively) that,
that particular person could be a firm friend?

That you are able to know by just looking that the person,
That you and he have the same wavelength.
That,
You can see two of you hanging out,
Laughing till your sides hurt,
Playing dumb pranks on some nerd.
Talking about life and the arbitrary,
Destiny and philosophy.
Sitting on the sidewalk,
Musing aloud on how you became,
What you became.
Kindred.

Spotting a friend in a stranger.

I have that inclination.
Perhaps it’s called intuition.
Maybe it’s some weird karma.
But I just know.

Yet societal conventions are such,
That no one should smile to a stranger.
If you do, you’re deemed a loony or a pervert.
That no one should be overly enthused in being helpful.
If you do, you’re deemed to have evil intentions.
That no one should show a genuine interest in a stranger.
If you do, you’re deemed a sex fiend.

Thus,
You end up with circumstantial friends
Bonding only with those that cross your path.
If you’re lucky, it’s all cool.
If not, you’re ditched.
In most cases you just huddle together in knitted cliques.
Finding security in numbers.

Eventually,
Estranged and yearning,
You find yourself still walking past,
The one who could have been the best confidant,
Keeper and chaperone.
Your Kindred.

-J

cho co lat

2004-10-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

During dinner,
We were just talking about Nicole being allergic to chocolate ice-cream.
And everyone was commenting on how that was such a sad allergy to have..
Coz it’s so yummy and all.
I wonder tho..
Which part of eating the chocolate is satisfying?
Is it when you place it on your tongue..
Letting your taste buds have a blast..
Flavour.
Or rather, the feeling of the it sliding down your throat,
Landing in the belly.
Tasting it? Or having consumed it?
Which one achieves satisfaction?
Maybe, it’s the combination of both…

It’s interesting how sensations are so mixed up.
So intertwined and married.
Difficult to segregate
Uneasy to identify it’s elements.

What in a relationship satisfies?
Is it coy flirtations that transpire in the beginning?
Multiple phone calls that carry late into the nite?
Listening to each other’s voice in the dark of your room..
Giggling to jokes to that you dun even get…
The clasping of sweaty palms for the first time.
The silent walks in the park..
Lying on his chest and hearing his heart beating to yours..
All tranquil.

Till things turn.
Problems cloud your vision.
Magnanimity turns to jealousy.
Understanding to impatience.
Protectiveness to possession.
Comfort to spite.

All because of love’s sensation
And it’s seduction.
Human nature is pretty amusing.
Under observation.

-j

oh shuttup

2004-10-03T11:09:00.001-07:00

Foresight.
Is it an asset or a descent?
I remember doing this personality test when I was in 2nd year poly.
And it turned out that I’m a feeling instead of thinking kinda person.
Yeah, and before you let out a guffaw,
I would like to state for the record, that I totally disagree.
Well, for starters…
I do think a lot.
I worry…and it’s not like I Enjoy doing that.
It’s just a predisposed hobby that manages to consume my time.
And all that talk about time being money..
So I’m spending loads of ‘money’ on top of all the real money that I AM spending..
Oh brother.
Ok, I’ll quit deviating.
Basically, the question boils down to this.
Is worrying equivalent to thinking?
If it does…I’m a thinker.
A serious one at that.
I never used to be so plagued with thoughts.
Until I met Shermaine.
I’ve never met a person who was so busy with thought.
I think it’s called transferred anxiety.
I caught the bug and ever since then I’ve been a pathological worrier.

Right now, I worry whether I’ll ever find someone as good as him.
Don’t even know if I want to find someone else.
Besides, looking at Adelaide and its host of male pedigree,
It sure looks bleak…
The world looks bleak.
The bar has been set too high.
Every guy I look at is just a walking defect.
Even the one that has it all, who is perfect…
Perfection in itself IS a flaw.
Irritatingly perfect.

His idiosyncrasies I find adorable.
His annoying habits I find endearing.
All his crap, I miss.
lol.

-j

cant breathe

2004-10-03T03:46:00.000-07:00

It was R&B nite and we all went.
The place looked alrite but soon enough we were perspiring.
The shithole had no ventilation I tell ya.
It was like being in a sauna with a crowd.
The only good thing about it was the music.
The groovy tunes and hip-hop was fine.
There were strippers too.
They went full monty….
It was quite disturbing to see all the toothy grins that
Were showing on the guys’ faces.
All pervs I tell u.
It was then that I felt a pang of misery.
I missed him.
Wanted to run back into his arms.
Probably to have a good cry
Then a good laugh…
Then the rest is history..
Or are we?

-j

Angst at its friggin best

2004-10-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

Today has been a most uneventful day.
Then again…I wonder what constitutes eventfulness.
Who the hell knows?
All I know these days is how to get really pissed.
And it happened to me yesterday.
Rumors had it that the exam schedule was out.
So, I quickly checked my student account.
And to my horror of horrors…
My exam is on the 19th of November.
And I’m supposed to be flying off on the 18th.
I know.
WTF.
Especially since I only have one paper to sit for,
And it had to be scheduled so late.
When I’m so desperate to go back!
This is such a bleepin’ joke.
Hahahaha……
*sniffle*
I have serious issues with luck.
Maybe I should go say hi sometime,
And ask him why the heck he’s being such a bitch about things…
I’m so jinxed.

-J

my social circle of fiends

2004-09-27T10:29:00.000-07:00

Looks like I fall into the category of the unfaithful blogger..
Yes I know, it has been a couple of days my friend.
Or has it been longer?
I don’t know….
I’m losing track of time and space.
I’ve finished my cursed assignment
and realize that I won’t react too well when I get it back.

sigh…that’s why I turn to you
‘ol faithful blog space.
To tarnish your vacant pages,
with my scorn and malice
without threat of falling short.
Where my expression would
acknowledge neither civilities nor courtesy
Where it’s free to be
What it slides to be
Explicit and jarring.
Uncomfortable and distasteful..
That’s me.
and that’s the way it is.

By the way,
I’ve got a newfound friend.
His name?
It’s boredom.
Wave hi..
Come’on don’t be shy.

Boredom gets to me at times.
He makes me go into hysterics.
He makes me kick my cupboard in emit
He makes me jump on my bed like a maniac.
But most of the time, he causes an ache in my mind.
And instigates mayhem in my subliminal.

He is an ultimate jerk.
He flops on my bed and eats into my time.
Brings me trouble
Causes me strife.
Makes things unstable
Ruins my life.
Yet I know.
he’ll stay fer long.
cause he and I….
we belong.
Sad but true..
Jen is bored.
*yawn*

-J

his haunting

2004-09-24T01:24:00.000-07:00

Ok.
I’ve reached the peak of misery.
I’m literally trembling now as I type this.
It’s not even at night and I’m getting those panic attacks.
I’m nOT alright.
This growing void
Inside of me is getting irrepressible.
For heaven’s sake, it’s five in the evening,
Can’t my emotions give it a rest?
As The night approaches and I’m terrified.
Insomnia awaits.

Is it basking in my agony?
savage beast.

I’ll admit it.
I want him.
no…..i neED him.
I sound pathetic.
Hate it when I’m so feeble.
It’s such a parody, when the person you need..
to Make it all better,
is someone you can’t have…
Can you hear it?
It’s getting louder…
It’s deafening.
my confused heart..
won’t just shut the f**k up
It’s failing, getting offbeat and irregular
I hope it takes a break.

I’ve got a problem.
I always have problems.
No…I’m a problem.
Sigh…it’s no wonder why I don’t belong.
Wherever I’m placed, I never seem to fit.
Always sticking out like a sore thumb.
Am I lamenting again?
These days, it’s all I’m capable of.
I can’t function.
Gosh, I have an assignment due and all I can think of is…..him.
Arrghh…

I miss..
The strength of the arm that
I once clung to..
The reassurance of that crooked smile..
That I took for granted.
The way he stroked my hair.
Caressed my face..
I’ve only begun to realize.
How much I need.
To feel his weight pressing down on me..
I could just lie there.
Forever…

Jen?
Are you grovelin?
If u are…..
Stop it.

Sigh.
-J

hello stranger

2004-09-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

In the event of being so far away from home,
I think one’s perception gets a little warped.
Somehow things aren’t that clear,
The day seems like a draft.
Actuality never arrives.
Been here for the approximate of 3 months,
Hitherto I have not arrived…
I look forward with desperation,
To the day of return,
So much my spirit yearns,
Yet I dread the day of its reckoning.
The possibility of refutation.
Being a stranger in my own home.
A visitor in my own realm.
Where the hell am I supposed to be?
No really
Kindly point me where?
oh yeah..
you dont know me...
coz im just one of em
just a
stranger...

-J

all cried out

2004-09-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

Loneliness….
an emotion which is hardly spoken.
Understated and likely ignored.
It brings me such anguish.
Like a disease,
it spreads.
Consumes,
and takes away…
An antidote is what I need.
Yet I chose to embrace it.
Make a studied effort to suppress its effects.
Where’s my outlet?
Where’s my crash dummy?
Are they on a holiday?

My dream.
Someone once told me to chase after him.
Catch hold of him,
Then Never let go.
I’ve been running since then.
My dream ran alongside me.
Bliss.
Yet Somehow we got tired.
And my dream slipped away.....
Never to return again.

if my life was a movie
and I was the star
what kind of a movie would it be?
What shall I make of it?
What should I demand of it?
Who then Is my director?
Who would put the pieces together?
Could one to shape,
What I claim, my world?
it is then out of my control.
why do I even bother?
With chores.
Laughter.
With pleasure.
Pain.
With life all together?

me?
Toggle with fate.
Flirting with destiny.
Bargaining with death.
Begging providence.
What is to come?
Has the best of life past me by?
Or is it yet to be?

the negative me?
The cynical princess.
I rule in all dark possibility.
I wield the power of despair.
The influence of mayhem.
The state of brokenness,
is where I lay.
What I transcend?
So broken.
I refuse.
So defiantly I deny reality.
So leave me be..
Cast me back to my fantasy.
Or face my disdain.

This is the story of my existence.
One might ponder,
is my life what I live?
Or what I intend on living.
Day by day I stare out of window.
Thinking what I should be doing.
What I would like to engage in.
The sports that I love to watch and cheer to.
The grades I would love to be accredited with.
The activities that I would indulge in.
Yet it is always remains a thought.
And I always remain an observer.

Do You know?
Games are so real to me.
Their world Is where I belong..
When I go visit,
It is only then,
I’m truly involved.
It is only there,
I truly feel.
It is where I see me.
i recognize me,
so much so it hurts.
My living I see.
View it with excruciating anxiety.
Epic love.
Intense tragedy.
Exhilaration.
Disillusion.
Screams insanity..

Damn language.
Damn its limitations and mine.
I’m inadequate.
I’m not coherent .
You’re not understanding me.
I don’t expect anyone to..
Not even my closest of kin would.
Oh such bitterness is the taste of loneliness.
After all I’m trapped.
These emotions won’t let loose..
Of me.
And my broken heart…

-J

Discontent

2004-09-22T01:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a surreal day
Went to tea tree plaza
Shopping was a drag
Everything was in third perspective
Like I had glaze over my eyes
And a thought humming in my mind

I need to invest in a punching bag I swear
So much of angst n spite
Awaiting an outlet
Somebody wake me up
I sick of this reoccurring nightmare
Tired of its twisted nature

Only You are real to me
Everything else lacks authenticity
Even God seems so far from me
I can’t feel Him in my life
Oh, I remember now…
I’ve been running from Him
My shame he must not see
In vain
Dear God
I’m such a wreck
Won’t You
Save me from myself

-J

a life so wasted

2004-09-20T05:39:00.000-07:00

Numb

It’s like the days go on without a dose of meaning
Meaning in itself fails to retain its essence
It’s like I’m just exhaling
Hesitating to breathe in
Life
Is it a curse or a gift?
Me
Just a wanting to fade into oblivion
Simply leaving me faint

All my senses have been dulled
I keep getting confused
Am I for real
Or am I just approaching a mirage
Inching towards obscurity
It has become a pathetic habit

Break me
For I am weary
Almost broken
Yet hanging on to nothing
Numb

-J

The Cling and Clangs

2004-09-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I reported for my first, ever kitchen duty. Equipped in my 3 quarter shorts, New York Yankees shirt and baseball cap, I stepped into the hell which they call the communal kitchen. And boy, DID it stiNk! The kitchen lady started delegating the dirty werk, and I quickly opted to wash the dishes…Oh did I tell ever tell you that I have a fetish for seeing really dirty things become sparkling clean…yeah, it’s one of those harmless deviant idiosyncrasies of mine…and if you were wonderin, I’ve got plenty more where those came from ..

So anyways, I got to operate the big, bad ass dishwasher. It’s noisy, hot and steamy…hmm…sounds promising you might think… I was so kang ho and started on my duties of stacking in the filthy crockery in the machine with my barehands….Bad idea. The cut on my thumb that I received a day earlier started bleeding like billy oh.
So my lovely friend Kaishoe, used some serviettes to wrap my injured thumb and somewhat made it proceeded to make it feel all-better. I fetched myself a pair of gloves to further accessorize my wretched hands. A minute later, the damp(damned) serviette fell off, leaving my wound exposed..bloody and raw. I almost gagged. Niko and Moo helped me out with the cups and cutlery and YM went to get me a plaster…It’s All Goood….but I still had like a zillion plates to clean. Oh, but I got to play with the spray thingy that gets all the grease off….it was great fun spraying every damn thing that was there including the floor…I can’t say that Lian was too pleased with that.

OMG, when I was finally done, I smelt like fark and needed a bath so bad….so off I trudged, proud of my achievements as dishwasher of the dae….

Blog Virgin

2004-09-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

it's been 3 years since i've last written to vent.
it's been 3 years since i've been distressed.
i realise that the urge to write has only come.
i guess sometimes it's a trade for trade.
to have inspiration,
you need to embrace misery.

so hence, i left destiny.
to let be...
what it has to be.
right now im sitting in my tiny dorm,
wondering when the heck
i will ever start my assignment.
i've already let myself slack last night.
It had better not happen again tonight.
It's just that,
all sorts of thoughts are clouding my mind.
sometimes i wish i had the power
to stop myself from thinking.
so odd.
it's a reflex to think.
cant stop the damn thing.

From tomorrow onwards
i shall face the mirror each morning
tell myself that it's gonna be fine

all's well,
ends well.
rite.
i'll take your word on it, Gil.